TIRES: Tires are male, because they go bald easily and are often over inflated.

HOT AIR BALLOONS: Also a male object, because to get them to go any where, you have to light a fire under their butt

SPONGES: These are female, because they are soft, squeezable and retain water.

WEB PAGES: Female, because they're constantly being looked at and frequently getting hit on.

TRAINS: Definitely male, because they always use the same old lines for picking up people.

EGG TIMERS: Egg timers are female because, over time, all the weight shifts to the bottom.

HAMMERS: Male, because in the last 5000 years, they've hardly changed at all, and are occasionally handy to have around.

THE REMOTE CONTROL: Female. Ha! You probably thought it would be male, but consider this: It easily gives a man pleasure, he'd be lost without it, and while he doesn't always know which buttons to push, he just keeps trying

Philosophy of Sex

"I believe that sex is one of the most beautiful, natural, wholesome things that money can buy."
--Tom Clancy

"You know "that look" women get when they want sex? Me neither."
--Steve Martin

"Having sex is like playing bridge. If you don't have a good partner, you'd better have a good hand."
--Woody Allen

"Bisexuality immediately doubles your chances for a date on Saturday night."
--Rodney Dangerfield

"There are a number of mechanical devices which increase sexual arousal, particularly in women. Chief among these is the Mercedes-Benz 380SL."
--Lynn Lavner

"Leaving sex to the feminists is like letting your dog vacation at the taxidermist."
--Matt Barry

"Sex at age 90 is like trying to shoot pool with a rope."
--George Burns

"Sex is one of the nine reasons for reincarnation. The other eight are unimportant."
--George Burns

"Women might be able to fake orgasms. But men can fake whole relationships."
--Sharon Stone

"My girlfriend always laughs during sex ---no matter what she's reading."
--Steve Jobs (Founder, Apple Computers)

"My mother never saw the irony in calling me a son-of-a-bitch."
--Jack Nicholson

"Clinton lied. A man might forget where he parks or where he lives, but he never forgets oral sex, no matter how bad it is."
--Barbara Bush (Former US First Lady -- and you didn't think Barbara had a sense of humor)

"Ah, yes, divorce, from the Latin word meaning to rip out a man's genitals through his wallet."
--Robin Williams

"Women complain about premenstrual syndrome, but I think of it as the only time of the month that I can be myself."
--Roseanne

"Women need a reason to have sex. Men just need a place."
--Billy Crystal

"According to a new survey, women say they feel more comfortable undressing in front of men than they do undressing in front of other women. They say that women are too judgmental, where, of course, men are just grateful."
--Robert De Niro

"There's a new medical crisis. Doctors are reporting that many men are having allergic reactions to latex condoms. They say they cause severe swelling. --- So what's the problem?"
--Dustin Hoffman

"There's very little advice in men's magazines, because men think, I know what I'm doing. Just show me somebody naked."
--Jerry Seinfeld

"Instead of getting married again, I'm going to find a woman I don't like and just give her a house."
--Rod Stewart

"See, the problem is that God gives men a brain and a penis, and only enough blood to run one at a time."
--Robin Williams

Differences Between Women And Men
                                 
                                 1.NAMES
 
 
  If Laurie, Linda, Elizabeth and Barbara go out for lunch, they will call
  each other Laurie, Linda, Elizabeth and Barbara.
 
  If Mark, Chris, Eric and Tom go out, they will affectionately refer to
  each other as Fat Boy, Godzilla, Peanut-Head and Scrappy! .
 
 
 
                                2.EATING OUT
 
  When the bill arrives, Mark, Chris, Eric and Tom will each throw in a $20,
  even though it's only for $32.50. None of them will have anything
  smaller and none will actually admit they want change back.
 
  When the women get their bill, out come the pocket calculators.
 
 
                             3.MONEY
 
  A man will pay $2 for a $1 item he needs.
 
  A woman will pay $1 for a $2 item that she doesn't need, but it's on sale.
 
 
                                 4.BATHROOMS
 
  A man has five items in his bathroom: a toothbrush, shaving cream, razor,
  a bar of soap, and a towel from the Marriott.
 
  The average number of items in the typical woman's! bathroom is 337.
  A man would not be able to identify most of these items.
 
 
                                 5.ARGUMENTS
 
  A woman has the last word in any argument.
 
  Anything a man says after that... is the beginning of a new argument.
 
 
                                   6.CATS
 
  Women love cats.
 
  Men say they love cats, but when women aren't looking, men kick cats.
 
                                  7.FUTURE
 
   A woman worries about the future until she gets a husband.
 
   A man never worries about the future until he gets a wife.
 
 
                                  8.SUCCESS
 
    A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend.
 
    A successful woman is one who can find such a man.
 
 
                                 9.MARRIAGE
 
    A woman marries a man expecting he will change, but he doesn't.
 
    A man marries a woman expecting that she won't change , and she does.
 
 
                              10.DRESSING UP
 
    A woman will dress up to go shopping, water the plants, empty the
    garbage, answer the phone, read a book, and get the mail.
 
    A man will dress up for weddings and funerals.
 
 
                                 11.NATURAL
 
   Men wake up as good-looking as they went to bed.
 
   Women somehow deteriorate during the night.
 
 
                                12.OFFSPRING
 
    Ah, children. A woman knows all about her children. She knows about
   dentist appointments and romances, best friends, favorite foods, secret
   fears and hopes and dreams.
 
   A man is vaguely aware of some short people living in the house.
 
 
                           13. THOUGHT FOR THE DAY
 
  Any married man should forget his mistakes. There's no use in two people remembering the same thing. 

The trouble with life in the fast lane is that you get to the other end in an awful hurry. ~John Jensen

Natives who beat drums to drive off evil spirits are objects of scorn to smart Americans who blow horns to break up traffic jams.  ~Mary Ellen Kelly

A suburban mother's role is to deliver children obstetrically once, and by car forever after.  ~Peter De Vries

It takes 8,460 bolts to assemble an automobile, and one nut to scatter it all over the road.  ~Author Unknown

Your grandchildren will likely find it incredible - or even sinful - that you burned up a gallon of gasoline to fetch a pack of cigarettes!  ~Dr. Paul MacCready, Jr.

Any man who can drive safely while kissing a pretty girl is simply not giving the kiss the attention it deserves.  ~Albert Einstein

The car has become the carapace, the protective and aggressive shell, of urban and suburban man.  ~Marshall McLuhan, Understanding Media

The one thing that unites all human beings, regardless of age, gender, religion, economic status or ethnic background, is that, deep down inside, we ALL believe that we are above average drivers.  ~Dave Barry, "Things That It Took Me 50 Years to Learn"

I hooked up my accelerator pedal in my car to my brake lights.  I hit the gas, people behind me stop, and I'm gone.  ~Steven Wright

You never really learn to swear until you learn to drive.  ~Author Unknown

Our national flower is the concrete cloverleaf.  ~Lewis Mumford

Each year it seems to take less time to fly across the ocean and longer to drive to work.  ~Author Unknown

The elderly don't drive that badly; they're just the only ones with time to do the speed limit.  ~Jason Love

If all the cars in the United States were placed end to end, it would probably be Labor Day Weekend.  ~Doug Larson

Two wrongs don't make a right, but three lefts do.  ~Jason Love

Road sense is the offspring of courtesy and the parent of safety.  ~Australian Traffic Rule, quoted in Quotations for Special Occasions by Maud van Buren

On the other hand, the Bible contains much that is relevant today, like Noah taking 40 days to find a place to park.  ~Curtis McDougall

I feel like I am diagonally parked in a parallel universe.  ~Author Unknown

If your wife wants to learn to drive, don't stand in her way. ~Sam Levenson

There are two things no man will admit he cannot do well: drive and make love. ~ Sterling Moss

A.A.A.A.A. - An organization for drunks who drive.~Unknown

It is amazing how quickly the kids learn to drive a car, yet are unable to understand the lawnmower, snowblower or vacuum cleaner.~ Ben Bergor  

Ah, the power of words. I've always liked Hemingway and Churchill was truly a class act but my favorite here is from Robert Redford. We will all have occasion to use it I'm sure.

When insults had class...


"He has all the virtues I dislike and none of the vices I admire." --
Winston Churchill

"A modest little person, with much to be modest about." --
Winston Churchill (about Clement Attlee)

"I have never killed a man, but I have read many obituaries with great pleasure." --
Clarence Darrow

"He has never been known to use a word that might send a reader to the dictionary." --
William Faulkner (about Ernest Hemingway)

"Poor Faulkner. Does he really think big emotions come from big words?" --
Ernest Hemingway (about William Faulkner)

"Thank you for sending me a copy of your book; I'll waste no time reading it." --
Moses Hadas

"He can compress the most words into the smallest idea of any man I know."
-- Abraham Lincoln

"I've had a perfectly wonderful evening. But this wasn't it." --
Groucho Marx

"I didn't attend the funeral, but I sent a nice letter saying I approved of it." --
Mark Twain

"He has no enemies, but is intensely disliked by his friends." --
Oscar Wilde

"I am enclosing two tickets to the first night of my new Play, bring a friend... if you have one." --
George Bernard Shaw to Winston Churchill

"Cannot possibly attend first night, will attend second...if there is one."
-- Winston Churchill, in response

"I feel so miserable without you, it's almost like having you here." --
Stephen Bishop

"He is a self-made man and worships his creator." --
John Bright

"I've just learned about his illness. Let's hope it's nothing trivial." --
Irvin S. Cobb

"He is not only dull himself, he is the cause of dullness in others." --
Samuel Johnson

"He is simply a shiver looking for a spine to run up." --
Paul Keating

"He had delusions of adequacy." --
Walter Kerr

"There's nothing wrong with you that reincarnation won't cure." --
Jack E. Leonard

"He has the attention span of a lightning bolt." --
Robert Redford

"They never open their mouths without subtracting from the sum of human knowledge." --
Thomas Brackett Reed

"He inherited some good instincts from his Quaker forebears, but by diligent hard work, he overcame them." --
James Reston (about Richard Nixon)

"In order to avoid being called a flirt, she always yielded easily." --
Charles, Count Talleyrand

"He loves nature in spite of what it did to him." --
Forrest Tucker

"Why do you sit there looking like an envelope without any address on it?"
-- Mark Twain

"His mother should have thrown him away and kept the stork." --
Mae West

"Some cause happiness wherever they go; others, whenever they go." --
Oscar Wilde

"He uses statistics as a drunken man uses lamp-posts...for support rather than illumination." --
Andrew Lang (1844-1912)

"He has Van Gogh's ear for music." --
Billy Wilder

These are from a book called Disorder in the Courts of America. They are
things people actually said in court - word for word - taken down and now
published by court reporters who had the torment of staying calm while these
exchanges were actually taking place.

ATTORNEY: Are you sexually active?
WITNESS: No, I just lie there.

ATTORNEY: What is your date of birth?
WITNESS: July 18th.
ATTORNEY: What year?
WITNESS: Every year.

ATTORNEY: What gear were you in at the moment of the impact?
WITNESS: Gucci sweats and Reeboks.

ATTORNEY: This myasthenia gravis, does it affect your memory at all?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: And in what ways does it affect your memory?
WITNESS: I forget
ATTORNEY: You forget? Can you give us an example of something you forgot?

ATTORNEY: How old is your son, the one living with you?
WITNESS: Thirty-eight or thirty-five, I can't remember which.
ATTORNEY: How long has he lived with you?
WITNESS: Forty-five years.

ATTORNEY: What was the first thing your husband said to you that morning?
WITNESS: He said, "Where am I, Cathy?"
ATTORNEY: And why did that upset you?
WITNESS: My name is Susan

ATTORNEY: Do you know if your daughter has ever been involved in voodoo?
WITNESS: We both do.
ATTORNEY: Voodoo?
WITNESS: We do.
ATTORNEY: You do?
WITNESS: Yes, voodoo.

ATTORNEY: Now doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep, he
doesn't know about it until the next morning?
WITNESS: Did you actually pass the bar exam?

ATTORNEY: The youngest son, the twenty-year-old, how old is he?
WITNESS: Uh, he's twenty-one

ATTORNEY: Were you present when your picture was taken?
WITNESS: Would you repeat the question?

ATTORNEY: So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: And what were you doing at that time?
WITNESS: Uh....

ATTORNEY: She had three children, right?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: How many were boys?
WITNESS: None.
ATTORNEY: Were there any girls?

ATTORNEY: How was your first marriage terminated?
WITNESS: By death.
ATTORNEY: And by whose death was it terminated?

ATTORNEY: Can you describe the individual?
WITNESS: He was about medium height and had a beard.
ATTORNEY: Was this a male or a female?

ATTORNEY: Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition
notice which I sent to your attorney?
WITNESS: No, this is how I dress when I go to work.

ATTORNEY: Doctor, how many of your autopsies have you performed on dead
people?
WITNESS: All my autopsies are performed on dead people.

ATTORNEY: ALL your responses MUST be oral, OK? What school did you go to?
WITNESS: Oral.

ATTORNEY: Do you recall the time that you examined the body?
WITNESS: The autopsy started around 8:30 p.m.
ATTORNEY: And Mr. Denton was dead at the time?
WITNESS: No, he was sitting on the table wondering why I was doing an
autopsy on him!

ATTORNEY: Are you qualified to give a urine sample?
WITNESS: Huh?

AND THE BEST ONE FOR LAST ..

ATTORNEY: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a
pulse?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: Did you check for blood pressure?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY Did you check for breathing?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began
the autopsy?
WITNESS: No
ATTORNEY: How can you be so sure, Doctor?
WITNESS: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.
ATTORNEY: But could the patient have still been alive, nevertheless?
WITNESS: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practicing
law.

RIDDLE - Can you guess what it is?

• Schwarzenegger has a big one.
• Michael J.  Fox has a small one.
• Madonna doesn't have one.
• The Pope has one but doesn't use his.
• Clinton uses his all the time.
• Mickey Mouse has an unusual one.
• Liberace never used his on women.
• Jerry Seinfeld is very, very proud of his.
• Cher claims that she took on 3.
• We never saw Lucy use Desi's.

Can you guess what it is?

Answer below!  (this is pretty good )

The answer is: "A Last Name."
(You didn't think I'd send you a dirty joke, did you?)

I don’t think she was blond...

A blonde walks into a bank in New York City and asks for the loan officer. She says she's going to Europe on business for two weeks and needs to borrow $5,000. The bank officer says the bank will need some kind of security for the loan, so the blonde hands over the keys to a new Mercedes Benz SL 500. The car is parked on the street in front of the bank. She has the title, and everything checks out.

The bank agrees to accept the car collateral for the loan. The bank's president and its officers all enjoy a good laugh at the blonde for using a $110,000 Benz as collateral against a $5,000 loan. An employee of the bank then proceeds to drive the Benz into the bank's underground garage and parks it there.

Two weeks later, the blonde returns. She repays the $5,000 and the interest, which comes to $15.41. The loan officer says, "Miss, we are very happy to have had your business, and this transaction has worked out very nicely, but we are a little puzzled. While you were away, we checked you out and found that you are a multimillionaire. What puzzles us is, why would you bother to borrow $5,000?"

The blonde replies, "Where else in New York City can I park my car for two weeks for only $15.41 and expect it to be there when I return?"

Finally, a smart blonde joke.

FIVE GREAT LESSONS:

* First Important Lesson ~ Most Important Lesson
During my second month of nursing school, our professor gave us a pop quiz. I was a conscientious student and had breezed through the questions, until I read the last one: "What is the first name of the woman who cleans the school?" Surely this was some kind of joke. I had seen the cleaning woman several times. She was tall, dark-haired and in her 50s, but how would I know her name? I handed in my paper, leaving the last question blank. Just before class ended, one student asked if the last question would count toward our quiz grade. "Absolutely," said the professor. "In your careers, you will meet many people. All are significant. They deserve your attention and care, even if all you do is smile and say 'hello'." "I've never forgotten that lesson. I also learned her name was Dorothy.

Second Important Lesson ~ Pick up in the Rain
One night, at 11:30 PM, an older African American woman was standing on the side of an Alabama highway trying to endure a lashing rain storm. Her car had broken down and she desperately needed a ride. Soaking wet, she decided to flag down the next car. A young white man stopped to help her, generally unheard of in those conflict-filled 1960s. The man took her to safety, helped her get assistance and put her into a taxicab. She seemed to be in a big hurry, but wrote down his address and thanked him. Seven days went by and a knock came on the man's door. To his surprise, a giant console color TV was delivered to his home. A special note was attached. It read: "Thank you so much for assisting me on the highway the other night. The rain drenched not only my clothes, but also my spirits. Then you came along. Because of you, I was able to make it to my dying husband's bedside just before he passed away. God bless you for helping me and unselfishly serving others." Sincerely, Mrs. Nat King Cole.

Third Important Lesson ~ Always Remember Those Who Serve You
In the days when an ice cream sundae cost much less, a 10-year old boy entered a hotel coffee shop and sat at a table. A waitress put a glass of water in front of him. "How much is an ice cream sundae?" he asked. "Fifty cents," replied the waitress. The little boy pulled his hand out of his pocket and studied the coins in it. "Well, how much is a plain dish of ice cream?" he inquired. By now more people were waiting for a table and the waitress was growing impatient. "Thirty-five cents," she brusquely replied." The little boy again counted his coins. "I'll have the plain ice cream," he said. The waitress brought the ice cream, put the bill on the table and walked away. The boy finished the ice cream, paid the cashier and left. When the waitress came back, she began to cry as she wiped down the table. There, placed beside the empty dish, were two nickels and five pennies - You see, he couldn't have the sundae, because he had to have enough left to leave her a tip.

Fourth Important Lesson ~ The Obstacle In Our Path
In ancient times, a King had a boulder placed on roadway. Then he hid himself and watched to see if anyone would remove the huge rock. Some of the king's wealthiest merchants and courtiers came by and simply walked around it. Many loudly blamed the king for not keeping the roads clear, but none did anything about getting the stone out of the way. Then a peasant came along carrying a load of vegetables. Upon approaching the boulder, the peasant laid down his burden and tried to move the stone to the side of the road. After much pushing and straining, he finally succeeded. After the peasant picked up his load of vegetables, he noticed a purse lying in the road where the boulder had been. The purse contained many gold coins and a note from the king indicating that the gold was for the person who removed the boulder from the roadway. The peasant learned what many of us never understand. Every obstacle presents an opportunity to improve our condition.

Fifth Important Lesson ~ Giving When It Counts
Many years ago, when I worked as a volunteer at a hospital, I got to know a little girl named Liz who was suffering from a rare and serious disease. Her only chance of recovery appeared to be a blood transfusion from her 5-year old brother, who had miraculously survived the same disease and had developed the antibodies needed to combat the illness. The doctor explained the situation to her little brother, and asked the little boy if he would be willing to give his blood to his sister. I saw him hesitate for only a moment before taking a deep breath and saying, "Yes, I'll Do it if it will save her..." As the transfusion progressed, he lay in bed next to his sister and smiled, as we all did, seeing the color returning to her cheeks. Then, his face grew pale and his smile faded. He looked up at the doctor and asked with a trembling voice, "Will I start to die right away?" Being young, the little boy had misunderstood the doctor; he thought he was going to have to give his sister all of his blood in order to save her.

2.

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9.

10. They have boobs.

Grab the rifle honey, dinner is here...........